I have always felt everything so very deeply. When I love, I love from deep down in my core with a great passion; and when I hurt, I feel it in every fiber of my being. I’ve often, in the midst of sorrow, wished that I would be more unfeeling . . . thinking that perhaps a little more indifference would save me a lot of heartache. But the truth is that I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. It’s what makes me who I am, what drives me to do anything for those I love, and I believe what always draws me back to the Father.
The only two things that matter to me on this earth are my relationship with Christ and my relationships with others. Christ came so that we could have a relationship with the Father, so it’s only natural that we intrinsically desire relationship. Some relationships are only for a season, and I fully understand that part of life. Sometimes I’m ready for relationships to end quite some time before they actually do. But the hard part is when a relationship has to end of which I’m not ready to let go.
If I allow myself to think on it, I will still weep over a dear friend I no longer know. I miss her like she’s dead, grieving her absence in my life. All I can do is lean in more closely to the Father, and give Him my grief. It still hurts, but I trust that the big picture is much greater than anything my limited vision can fathom.
A strange thing about relationships . . . sometimes I’m ready for them to end, but I still grieve them. Sometimes it’s not a person that I grieve, but the idea of the relationship. I broke up with my boyfriend 3 days after Christmas — yes, I know that sounds cruel, but he actually thanked me for not dragging it out — and it was absolutely the right thing to do. I have total peace. He’s not at all the person I want to marry. But I had to grieve the loss of the idea that I might have found “the one” . . . that maybe marriage and babies and family were in my near future.
And once again, I was drawn closer to my Father. He reminds me that my joy comes from Him, and His plan is perfect. I don’t always feel that one deep down in my core, but I’m working on planting it deeper and deeper. Thankful for that relationship which will last an eternity.