Death, Be Not Proud

Several years ago, I wanted to die. I was in a very dark season. I felt I had let God down. I didn’t know the purpose for my life. Death seemed like the best option. Like I said, it was a dark season.

But then God whispered to my spirit, and He told me I would live. Specifically, He told me that I would not die but live, and would proclaim what He had done. I came out of that season stronger than I had ever been, happy and healthy, loving life and the people in it.

Last year I was diagnosed with incurable cancer. I was ready to face it and knew that I would continue to proclaim what the Lord had done, no matter the outcome. It was the hardest thing I had endured thus far in my life, but I was at peace. I have hope in the great I AM. I truly don’t fret about much because there’s no point. God is bigger than anything the world can throw at me, and I’ve found that worrying only makes things worse.

But then I slowly lost myself in the chaos. In the midst of deciding about treatment, listening to everyone who knew how to “cure” me, watching the medical bills pile up, moving three times, changing doctors, facing my mortality, and on and on…I got lost. I fell into a pit. I withdrew from everyone and everything. I wanted to die.

And then God gently reminded me: I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the Lord has done. – Proverbs 118:17

I’ve been silent these last several months because I’ve been in a very dark season. I had forgotten my purpose. But I remember it now.

A lot has happened in the last couple of months and I owe you all an update.

I went for a consultation at a cancer center out of state, and I got some really good news. I’ve continued to show improvement, from November to January to now, and I’ve been accepted into a clinical trial that I’ll start in July. I’m still really tired every day, but I continue to get stronger. In the last two weeks, several people have made comments about how much better I look than I did even just a few months ago. I’m still fighting through a few specific physical battles, but overall I feel better than I have in over a year. I’m incredibly thankful.

In addition to the awesome cancer news, I’ve been granted some scholarships that will knock out a portion of my medical bills. And the clinical trial is free to me, so I don’t have to face mounting medical bills as I move into this next season. Relief, how sweet it is.

The clinical trial starts out with a series of supplements and nutrients that, along with what I’m already doing, will aim to boost my immune system, encourage the increase of good blood cells, and build up an environment that will not try to harbor bad cells. At the end of this trial, depending on how things look, we’ll talk about moving into the next trial phase.

A lot of people have questioned why I didn’t do chemo and radiation right away. Opinions on how to treat this type of cancer are as varied as cancer itself, but the majority of studies show that starting an aggressive treatment early on can cause more damage than good. I prayed about it. I researched a lot. And I came to the conclusion for myself that I needed to begin this journey with as many natural remedies as possible. I believe that is why, along with people all over the world praying for me, I’ve shown so much improvement over the last six months. I mean, I gave up Dr. Pepper. This is serious, folks.

So that’s where I am right now. I had a dream last year that God had healed me completely of cancer. I believe that is going to happen. But if I only live for 5 more years, I will spend those 5 years proclaiming what the Lord has done. And He has overcome death. Whatever death you’re facing–physical, emotional, relational, whatever it is–He can overcome it. Hallelujah!

Death, be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so;
For those whom thou think’st thou dost overthrow
Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,
Much pleasure; then from thee much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee do go,
Rest of their bones, and soul’s delivery.
Thou art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell,
And poppy or charms can make us sleep as well
And better than thy stroke; why swell’st thou then?
One short sleep past, we wake eternally
And death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die.
Holy Sonnets: Death, be not proud by John Donne

5 thoughts on “Death, Be Not Proud

  1. God is building a heck of a testimony here. Thank you so very much for sharing,and being so transparent about what The Lord is doing. I will be in prayer for you during this journey!
    Kayla ( Jamie’s Friend!!)

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