Old Soul, Young Heart

Well, I headed to Texas a couple of weeks ago to begin a clinical trial. I hadn’t realized how alone I felt in this cancer journey until I sat in a room full of multiple myeloma patients who were all there for a singular purpose. There was something really comforting about spending the day with 14 other people who were fighting the same disease. It was like a breath of fresh air, as strange as that sounds. I’m the youngest in the trial by far, but the oldest gentleman in the trial started calling me Old Soul, Young Heart after we began getting to know each other. I loved him immediately, and I felt right at home.

The trial starts out with a series of nutrients and supplements. None of it is labeled, so I don’t know what it is (that’s the fun of a clinical trial…like Russian roulette!). They distributed the meds with a gigantic pill case, thankfully, so it’s easy to keep everything organized. I’ve gotten into a pretty good routine already, only forgetting my morning round once so far.

After signing a bunch of paperwork, sitting through some lectures, and getting all of our meds, we had to get a fresh set of scans and bloodwork done again. When I got my results later in the week, I learned that I had improved a lot just since I was there in April. So much, in fact, that they told me if I had gotten these results in April when I was being tested for entrance into the trial, I wouldn’t have made the cut. I’m still trying to process that news…awe and wonder are two words that come to mind. Thank you, Jesus.

So I’ll take these meds for 3 months, then go back for another set of scans & bloodwork (on my 34th birthday…fun times!). They’ll replenish my supply at that point, and then I’ll go back in another 3 months and so on. My hope is that they tell me it’s completely gone in 3 months…wouldn’t that be something? 🙂

The only “bad” news I received that week was that my right foot is jacked up and I need to get in with a foot doc soon. They couldn’t say if it’s related to the cancer or not, but it appears to be a nerve issue. It’s the worst pain I can remember feeling, but it only hurts if it’s touched or bent in a certain way, thankfully. So I know how to avoid it hurting and I can still walk just fine right now. Might require surgery. We’ll see.

Meanwhile, I’m just back from vacation and need to determine what life looks like moving forward. In the immediate future, I need to figure out what I can do for income that will still be flexible. I’ve been relying on craigslist/eBay sales, garage sales, and the charity of friends for the last year, but that’s no longer cutting it.

I’ve also been reevaluating a lot of things in life, and a lot of changes are coming. The last several months have been the hardest of my life, not just because of cancer, but because of many other things. I’ve climbed out of the darkest season I’ve ever been in, because of both my own choices and the choices of others, and I’ve clung to God’s grace and mercy like never before. Things that have happened have caused me to rethink my faith, relationships, the church, what I want my impact to be in this world, and so much more.

Here’s my conclusion so far: my faith is as steadfast as it’s ever been; everything else is still in question.

So keep praying for me as I keep falling forward in grace. I wish for all my friends to know the love of God, and to be anchored in hope. Amen.

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